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How To Use the Grey Rock Method in Your Bad Relationships
TW: Anti-NPD ableism.
All the resources for the this are astoundingly ableist, so I wanted to make a post about something I’ve found very helpful when dealing with shitty people: the Grey Rock Method.
The term, originally coined in anti-NPD circles, describes a method of dealing with shitty and/or abusive people. The Grey Rock Method, or Grey Rocking, is called that because you act like a wall of plain boring rock. The idea is to be so unreactive that the shitty person gets nothing out of interacting with you.
Of course, the best option for dealing with people who are incurably shitty and/or abusive is to cut them out of your life, but what if that’s not possible for legal or financial reasons? That’s when Grey Rocking comes in.
The original idea revolves around ideas of “narcissistic supply,” which is the vampiric emotional “diet” of a “narcissist,” since they supposedly feel like they need attention to survive. However, it can also be helpful outside of that ableist model, since victims/survivors can reduce the amount of “ammunition” they give shitty people/abusers by reacting to them less.
I discovered Grey Rocking myself by accident a few years ago, after I noticed that every single time I brought up an emotional subject, my parents found a way to make me feel like shit about it— so I stopped talking about ANY emotion, and stuck to “safe” topics and surface-level conversation. It worked! They have no ammunition to use against me, yet our relationship remains civil.
Here are the rules for Grey Rocking:
- Be as boring as possible. If asked how your life is going, say something like “Nothing exciting is going on. I’ve just been working.” They may say, “How is work going?” “Fine, just busy like usual.”
- Offer no extra information. Do not pique their interest. Remain polite, but if asked about work, stick to answering the question and don’t offer up conversation about your coworker’s jokes. Are you still wearing masks at work? “Yup.” If it feels like the conversation is lagging, you’re doing it right.
- Steer clear of topics you have ANY emotions about, positive or negative. Do NOT talk about how stressed you are at work, or a shitty person will make a shitty comparison about how that’s NOTHING compared to their job. Do NOT talk about getting a raise and how proud you are of yourself, because they will tear you down.
- Don’t interact more than you have to. For example, you might answer a text, but don’t text first. Don’t start a conversation. If there’s some silence, good.
- Do not cave and do not respond to goading. They might try to get a rise out of you, in which case you need to try to remain as expressionless as possible and say something nonreactive. Do NOT break the rules once you decide to start doing the Grey Rock Method.
- Hint: saying “mmm” as acknowledgement, but nothing more, will help you a lot.
My own personal addition: Try to interact only when there are witnesses or proof of what the shitty/abusive person said (as in text messages). Many abusers will act better for an audience. However, this is not a sure thing, so definitely continue to keep interaction to a minimum.
Final note: This can be REALLY EXHAUSTING and take a major toll on you. After dealing with your shitty/abusive person, take some time to recharge with people that you can be yourself with. Do not lose sight of your unique, individual spark— just hide it from those who don’t deserve to see it!
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Intro to Multiplicity
When I meet a new person, I often feel anxious about introducing them to the fact that I’m a system. It’s an important part of my life, but not something the average person understands. (You have multiple people in your brain? Like Jekyll and Hyde?) Therefore, I made an approximately one-page introduction to Dissociative Identity Disorder/Other Specified Dissociative Disorder and my own experience with it. You may want to read it to get a better sense of me as a person, but you may also want to use it as a template for your own similar creation! Here it is:
Hi! You are someone that [HOST] cares about and therefore here’s some pertinent information about his system!
-DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, is when one body has multiple full-fledged people in their head. Sometimes they have noticeably different personalities. They will almost always have amnesia between alters— for example, one alter will go to the grocery store, and the next alter to front will not have memories of doing that and wonder where all the food came from. I have OSDD, which is like a less “severe” form. While my different selves (alters) have names and are separate/different in a very real way, we share a brainspace and don’t have a lot of amnesia between us. That means that if one alter does something, we will all be aware of it. (However, we are very forgetful in general due to dissociation so please be patient with us when this symptom manifests!)
-Being multiple is a result of childhood trauma. Basically, everyone starts out a blob of consciousness that solidifies into a single identity over time during the childhood/teen years. With DID/OSDD, the person undergoes abuse/trauma that, for various reasons, makes them solidify into multiple identities. These identities can shift over time as new alters are created or merged, but the status of being a system or not is generally decided by age 8.
-Part of the point of being multiple/a system is to HIDE the damage that the trauma has done to someone, so often (even for people with “severe” forms of the disorder) switches between alters are undetectable.
-Yes, everyone has different parts of themselves (Google “Internal Family Systems Therapy” for more info) but alters are much more distinct than that. They have personalities that I might describe as moods (ie “this alter is depressed”) but they are different than normal moods or whims. They have names, ages, and a sense of individuality that is hard to describe.
-Just because it’s a trauma disorder, it doesn’t mean it’s bad! My alters help me survive. Together, we are a team. I would rather have not had trauma in my life, but I love my alters.
-Switching isn’t bad either! Switching alters is not analogous to a panic attack or another mental health crisis! If you notice us acting differently, try to just roll with it! It will probably be fun!
-For us, the most externally noticeable feature of our system is that we sometimes act like a child. This means that [LITTLE] is fronting, and while we are just as smart during these times, we often get distracted easily and babble a lot. It’s okay! If he’s out, it means we feel safe around you and we’re having fun. It might also mean that we are physically uncomfortable (like we have a stomach ache for example). He will not (generally) act in ways that are ill-advised or against our own best interest, but he may want to cuddle or play! :3 If he’s affectionate with you, then we all feel that affection!
-We have around 10 alters, but [HOST] and [LITTLE] are the only ones who “front” or take charge. 99% of the time, I am your friend [HOST], but the other alters are often loud inside my head during that time. They influence my thoughts and actions even when I’m undeniably [HOST].
I am definitely open to any questions that you may have, so ask away!
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Tiimo App Review
The scheduling app Tiimo has become popular in neurodivergent circles, so I decided to try it out. Basically, what it does is automate your schedule, which is something that can be particularly helpful for people that need routine. I rate it 10/10, even though I had some trouble figuring out how to use it in the beginning.
Note: Tiimo was designed for families with neurodivergent children, and I am not a parent. I cannot speak to how well it works for children, only how much it helped me as a neurodivergent adult.
Here’s a quick run-down on the pros and cons.
Pros:
- Keeps you on track and provides you with updates on your progress using notifications.
- Extremely customizable and flexible.
- Very visual, including icons, color-coding, and a progress bar for each activity.
- Not particularly expensive for a subscription app at about $30 for an entire year.
- Can be synced with a smart watch.
Cons:
- Requires lots of set up before use.
What is Tiimo?
Tiimo is a scheduling app built specifically for neurodivergent people, especially autistic or ADHD adults or children. Often, neurodivergent people thrive in routine and experience anxiety without it, but have trouble sticking to a schedule. Tiimo automates the process and reduces friction to help you adhere to the schedule you’ve set up and transition between activities more easily.
To use it, you input your activities (like “Go to the grocery store” or “Biology class”) and then assign them to specific times. You can color-code and select icons for each activity. You can also create “routines,” which are activities in a sequence, to speed up setting up your schedule. Add an activity or a routine to a specific day and then decide if and when you want it to repeat.
Once your schedule is set up, Tiimo will notify you before an activity starts to give you some warning and help you transition. During the activity, it shows a progress bar so you know how much time you have left and when to start cleaning up the Legos, for example.
Pros
I absolutely love having a routine. Until Tiimo, my attempts to prioritize and decide on what to do next with my day would often get hijacked by depression and hopelessness, leading me to end up doing nothing. With a routine of my own creation, on the other hand, I don’t have to decide what to do next because it’s the same every day. Even if I don’t follow it exactly (which I never do) Tiimo is still there in my notifications reminding me of my priorities.
Cons
When I first downloaded Tiimo, it took me about two hours to figure out how to use the app and then set up my week. (It took some intense Googling to figure out how to delete an activity. In case you’re wondering too, you slide the activity’s box to the left to reveal a trash can icon.) This may seem like quite an investment, but I have found it to be very worth it!
How I Use Tiimo
What does my day look like? As soon as I started using the app, I input my work schedule, which is the same every week but not the same every day. (Luckily, it’s very easy to choose when events repeat!)
Then I put in my morning schedule, which is absolutely crucial because if I forget my morning meds I will be nonfunctional the rest of the day. It also includes leisurely drinking coffee, which starts my morning off on the right note, as well as eating something because I often forget to eat. This repeats every day, but at different times depending on the rest of my schedule.
After work, I spend two hours (yes, two entire hours!) decompressing and/or taking a nap. Work takes a lot out of me as a disabled person, even though my shifts are only four hours. I find that if I don’t do this, I am super out of spoons by the end of the day. After my nap, I do chores, eat dinner, consume media (like watching TV or reading books), and then journal. (That leaves me another two hours before bedtime to scroll TikTok!)
Finally, non-negotiable stuff (like work) is color-coded in blue. Things that I know that are coming up but are deviations from the usual schedule (like doctors’ appointments) are color-coded red.
Tips & Tricks
As I said above, I almost never stick exactly to my routine. However, I still find it helpful, because it reminds me of my priorities. For example, I may eat dinner before I do chores if I’m particularly hungry, but the app still serves its function by reminding me to devote some time to cleaning the house. Instead of scrolling Facebook for hours like I did pre-Tiimo, I am watching the new Voltron.
Something else that I have found very helpful is building extra time into my schedule. Rather than pack my day with activities, I give each activity at least an hour, and I also give myself about four hours a day of doing nothing in particular. (This could be used “productively” or not! It’s my choice!) Don’t set your expectations unrealistically high or you will disappoint yourself. Instead, make sure to “pad” your schedule, especially for those times when the unexpected crops up.
For more information on how Tiimo’s creators recommend you use it, check out this link.
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My abusers wanted me dead.
(TW: abuse, suicide, sexual assault.)
Maybe they didn’t know it, but my abusers wanted me dead.
They might not have understood it themselves (or maybe some of them did) but they wanted me gone — to extinguish any part of me that made me ME. They wanted all of my compliance, skills, and entertainment value, with none of needs, inconsistencies, mess, or candor.
They only wanted a walking blow-up doll. They only wanted an unpaid secretary. They only wanted grandchildren. What they didn’t want was my humanity.
And I took that to heart. I tried to kill myself multiple times because I keenly felt that I took up too much room. I genuinely believed I was an abuser for the rare times I stuck up for myself. When I would get motion sick on car trips, I learned to hold it in so I wouldn’t create a problem. There are now parts of ME that want me dead.
This is not a unique situation. Everyone who abuses someone and violates their self-hood is complicit in that person’s disappearance.
I am still digging through my psyche and using what I find to build up a Self that I can live with. I spend all day in bed thinking about the ways they tried to kill me and how I survived. I didn’t survive, in a way. There’s no part of me that wasn’t touched by their stabbing fingers.
I am still learning to breathe.
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Co-Regulation and Manipulation
I read a post the other day that rang true for me. (Unfortunately, I cannot find the source again.) It was about how manipulative people are often seeking out attention that they feel they couldn’t get otherwise. They so desperately need the presence of another individual that they will pull out every trick in the book to make sure someone stays or comes closer.
But why do people need attention so bad that they are willing to manipulate to get it? It’s not just loneliness. I think manipulative behavior is often subconsciously enacted in pursuit of something called co-regulation.
Co-regulation is what caregivers are supposed to do when we are babies and we have big feelings. We’re supposed to be picked up, comforted, validated, mirrored, and soothed. On a chemical level, babies need other people to react to their emotions to understand them with their rapidly growing brains. Eventually, they are supposed to learn how to validate and soothe their own emotions as they grow into adults.
On the other hand, people who are scolded, belittled, or ignored as babies never learn how to self-regulate. Therefore, they continue to have this co-regulating need even as adults, and when they have big emotions they will often do absolutely anything they can to get another person to relieve the pressure. (It’s worth noting that the manipulative methods by which people try to achieve this often knock the other person out of alignment and cause them to never get what they need, making things worse and often starting the cycle over again.)
How do I know this? Because I have done it. I require constant attention and validation because I got none for the first 22 years of my life. I try to go about getting it in a genuine and healthy way (by asking for attention and validation instead of manipulating to get it) but I don’t always succeed in the moment.
This does not mean that we should automatically forgive manipulative adults. People are still responsible for being healthy and assertive in their interactions. But maybe if you feel manipulated in a relationship that you intend on keeping, you can assertively address their behavior and, if they agree to respect you, problem-solve and agree to offer what they need.
For more information about co-regulating, check out this article from Howard Bath.
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